I’m probably going to be alone for the rest of my life…. Life is so depressing. I buy things to make myself feel better. It would be really nice if I had a partner in my life. Covid and the fact that I’m a fat ugly person has made it difficult to meet people. All I would take is a couple shots of insulin. Just saying.

My manic high phase is over. It’s now time for the manic depression phase. Ugh, Now if I could find a bridge to drive off of. Oh wait, I know of a bridge. Lol! That would be too painful. Pills or insulin would be easier.

I miss you mom! I love you with all my heart! I feel dead and empty without you. My true best friend and only person who never judged me but loved me unconditionally! Maybe one day soon I’ll see you again in heaven if that is even a place!

Well, I have not had a lot today or on my mind lately. I feel like I am in a good place mentally. At least for the time being. That will change in time. I have my UPS and my DOWNS. It comes with being bipolar I suppose. One day when I can find a good doctor to treat it, maybe I will seek treatment again but for now I will have to manage it without help. The doctors are too expensive and want to nickel and dime you for anything you might need.

Some good news I got my A1C down to 5.7. Hopefully, I can keep it that way. We shall see. I will tell you this though, I am tired of taking insulin everyday, Ozempic once a week, Jardiance and Lyrica. Fun times. Not to mention all that crap gets expensive after a while.

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. It’s another year without my Mom. Time does not heal all wounds. Specially when you can’t even talk to your friends about it because they are tired of hearing about. Or.. well I won’t say the or, because I am kind of annoyed about something. I’ll let it go for now.

Now, I just need to start playing the lotto. I hate being poor. It sucks! But hey, what can one do. Not much. Well that is it for now, Not much else to really talk about. Not that anyone would really listen. Have a wonderful May! Except a few certain people who can go fuck themselves. You know who you are!

Some days I sit here and think about death and suicide and I sometimes feel a overwhelming sense of relief and that the pain and suffering would be gone. No more worries, no more stress, no more worrying I’ll never find a boyfriend/partner, no more money worries, no more work worries, no more debt, no more depression, no more anxiety, no more fear of people, no more fears of being judged by friends, coworkers. No more hidden judgement about what I buy, no more anyone talking behind my back, no more worrying about leases, loans and taxes, no more fear of driving, no worrying about how loud my music is, no worrying about people judging the music I listen to, no more worry I’m not in anyone’s league. Read my previous posts you’d understand why. I lost the genetics lottery. No looks or brains, just a nothing nobody! That’s all I am and will ever be is a nobody. I live in a Constant state of fear and worry. Etc, etc…. Nothing. It will all be finished. It will all be over. What a sweet release it will be! Now, it’s just a matter of getting up the nerve, wrapping up my affairs and downsizing to make the clean up after me to be minimal. I have no family or friends in Tampa to clean up my affairs. I’ll be buried in an unmarked grave, as no one would claim my ugly body!