Today felt like a good day. I got a few things accomplished. I had a small “laundry” list of things I wanted to do and get accomplished. One thing that got completed was as interview to move me into a permanent position in a role I am now only doing on a temporary basis.

1. Interview done. I felt good about it.
2. Called the election office and got a new ballot mailed to me
3. Filled out my FML paperwork and got a copy of it sent to me, so I can take it to the Dr.

Those seem like little things but it was a lot to do and get completed. So, today felt good compared to most other days. Tomorrow I have a doctor’s appointment to get my FML paperwork filled out. Then I will need to get it turned back in.

The interview went well, I felt. I did my best to answer all the questions they had. Won’t know for a while if I get the role or not but I am sure hoping that I do. This position has been a godsend. So, if anyone actually reads this blog – please wish me luck. I wish I smart and a writer.

On a more of sad note, I think I have settled for the fact that I will never be 100% happy. I will probably be 85% depressed and 15% happy. Also, I’ll never have the body I want or the man or guy that I want. I will just live in a fantasy world were I can dream big but have nothing. Some people take what they have for granted while people like me suffer, sometimes in silence because NO ONE will listen to them (me). I’ll never have the talent I wanted. I think in my life there have been three different kinds of jobs I have always wanted but never had the talent for them. I always wanted to be a church Worship Leader, a church pastor and finally a gameshow host. None of this will ever happen. I am 45, Gay, Fat and undesirable. These really are my true feelings. Is 45 too late to start another life?? Is it to late to begin again? I don’t know how to reinvent myself. I wish there was a way before it is too late. Maybe 45 is too late. Maybe now I just go through the motions of life until it takes me. Then it will lights out, curtains, eternal darkness. Wow, what a depressing thought. What have I done all these years? Just a bunch of wasted time. Wasted on the wrong things. The wrong friends, the wrong boyfriends, the wrong one night stands, the wrong drugs, the wrong liquor. I think if I was going to turn things around or be able to turn things around that would have had to be done in my late 30’s and early 40’s but now? I don’t get it? What did I do wrong? Maybe it was my upbringing. I didn’t come from a rich family or a smart family. I was born and raised in Polk County, Fl. That’s mostly a white trash. That is effectively what you could call 98% of my family. Maybe that is why I am attracted to southern “trashy” kind of guys. Granted never had that chance to really date one, maybe fool around some but that is it. The guys I have mainly dated have been losers, abusers either mentally or physically or liars. Been cheated on a few times thus I have serious issues with trust. Not to mention one guy who was a mind fuck for several years, who prayed upon my mental illness and loneliness. To this day I still have every email and chat saved. The pain is deep, the pain is real. Sadly no one really understands or wants to understand.

With that I think my mind has gone blank, not sure what else I can think of at the moment. Perhaps this is long enough. I think it is time to bring this entry to an end. Tomorrow, I am off to the Dr’s. If you read this far thank you and if you ready it thank you. I keep reaching out…… But no one is grabbing my hand. Perhaps it is time to stop reaching out.

Stay Safe and Take Care,
Jack

I woke up depressed this morning. Not sure why, just did. I am still debating on going to a movie today. I was going to go last night but I thought it was going to rain and don’t like driving in the rain. Well, guess what?? It didn’t rain one drop. I think I want to see Black Panther and Unhinged. Now, I just need to book my tickets. I will either go to Westshore, which is very close to me, or I will go the Veterans. Veterans AMC is a little further. Takes about 20-30 minutes if the traffic isn’t too bad. It’s not like I have anything else to do. I honestly don’t want to sit home all day. This COVID-19 has really messed up everything. Majorly messed things up. I hope one day we can get back to normal.

So, for now I am just going to listen to some music. I still listen to all my old school Praise and Worship Music. I have some newer stuff from the last few years. But the majority of my collection is from the 80’s and 90’s. Still love this music despite my disdain for religion and religious hypocrites.

Still haven’t heard if I am getting an interview for the new position I applied for at work. Right now I am in a temporary role. I have been doing it since April and I absolutely love it! Just hope I can get an interview and keep the position. Also, had to bid for my new shift at work. Out of over 4500+ people I was number 148 in seniority. That’s isn’t too bad. I will at least get a Monday thru Friday. The earliest I would work is 7:45AM and the latest I would get off is 7:00PM. I can handle that for the time being. I really don’t want to get off at 7:00PM but if that happens, it happens. At least I have had a job. Now if anyone reads this just cross your fingers and pray I get the new position I applied for. I’d really love to do it FULL TIME. Gives me so much freedom and peace of mind. and I m not as stressed.

I was thinking last night, I am 45 now. No accomplishments. No partner in life. Very limited number of friends. 45 in gay years is ancient. My ability to attract a partner ended many years ago. That probably stopped in the early 30’s. I am fat, ugly, not the sharpest tool in the shed, did I mention ugly? Horrible with money, bad credit. No real prospects for a brighter day. I can understand why no one is attracted to me. So what is there left to live for? I am really surprised that I have killed myself before, although I have tired in the past. Really weak attempts. I don’t know hat scares me from not doing so. I could do it easily and quietly with insulin. I wish I had a drug habit some days or could stomach to drink liquor like I use to. I had a real bad drinking problem that led to many problems and issues. Not to mention being a type 2 diabetic. I have tried to make strides in getting it under control. I have started to eat better. It’s a slow process. Of course, now I am gaining weight because of the insulin and other medications I have to take. I just can’t catch a break. Also, I am one lazy person. I’d go for a walk outside but not really any place around here to that. Besides, I would be too nervous. I know, I know, I sound pathetic. Probably because I am. Sighhhhh. I know it sounds bad but it’s not as bad as it sounds.

The other day, I was on Facebook talking to a guy who had messaged me out of the blue. Fairly decent looking guy. The conversation started out nice and all that jazz and then out of the blue he asked if I was into poly relationships. I said, I had never considered it. It’s not something I would ever do. Then he began to tell me why he was asking and it was because his partner had issues with sex because of some medications he was on. In my head I was like, yea I know what he’s going through. I was thinking that is some personal shit to share with a complete stranger, someone who you randomly you messed on the internet. Why me Lord, what did I do to deserve to be single like this?

I am not the atypical gay person. I don’t wear fancy clothes, glasses, shoes. I don’t have a fancy car or home. I live in an apartment, that I really like, but has some issues. It’s an older place. I don’t go on vacations all the time, I don’t have a glamourous job, I am not a bar person, (back in my 20’s I was). I don’t have drug habit, I don’t do the scene. I don’t go to brunch. I actually hate eating out, I hate eating around other people. I do not have killer bod or teeth. Like I said, I don’t wear fancy clothes. All my clothes are between 10 to 15 years old. I don’t wear pants, EVER. I only wear shorts and I have three pair I wear. One pair of shorts is about to fall apart. I have no sense of fashion. I can’t decorate for shit. I hate parties, I am uncomfortable around people I do not know. I am extremely self deprecating. My since of humor is odd. I am not well educated. I did graduate high school, I went to college for about two years, no degree. I was just too fucking stupid. I did a technical class through my job and I got A+ certified. That certification has expired. What else?? I also hate typical gay shows like Drag Race. Not once, and never will, watch that shit. I never even watched Wil & Grace until it came back on the air. Then I started watching the old shows. Still not finished. What else? I don’t listen to your typical music. I only listen to religious music and it is mainly praise and worship. I can’t cook. I eat more processed shit then I can tell you. Also, the fact that I hate cooking. I very picky and eat a limited number of things. I need my food simple and not some fancy bullshit. Not my style. I have overwhelming trust issues. I do not trust people. I can pinpoint why I stopped trusting people down to nearly just one person who did a number on me. I was weak and venerable at the time. He took full advantage of that. People are not honest and most have some ulterior motive or they are hiding something. I am also credit poor and cash poor. I typically live paycheck to paycheck. I made impulsive buys and buy things I do not need. I made several impulsive purchases and I kind of regret them now. They filled the hole I had for a moment. I will end up making more. I don’t have the skill set needed to stop. I end up paying for it in the end. I know right now there are a couple of things I want really bad but have been holding off. Sad really. I have tried to do better but it is not working. I also blow through my vacation time like it’s going out of style. I have been out of vacation time since March of this year. What a year to blow through my time. I think working from home now will help with that starting next year. Of course, it is almost time for me to renew my FMLA. When I do that, I have to do better at managing my time on that. If I take time off then it is unpaid. Then that hurts when I am trying to pay my bills. So, what about any of this would attract someone? Not a fucking damn thing. Nothing at all. Not one thing. Can you think of anything? I sure can’t. I sure have unloaded a lot today. It’s okay. No one reads it and if someone does, they are not going to get this far. I think this is the most I have ever written at one time. If you made it this far, great, if not, count yourself lucky. I am sure there are all kinds of errors. It is what it is.

Finally, I miss m Mom a lot. Everyday I still tell her I miss her. If there is a heaven the only reason I would want to go there would be to see my Mom once again. Until that day, I have a few pictures and her memory. I guess that wraps this post up for now.

Have a great weekend, stay safe and be good.