Well, well, well, here we are. We made it to another weekend. I got up a little later than I normally do but I needed the little extra sleep. When I finally got up I took my blood pressure pills and insulin. I made some breakfast and watched The Family Feud with the original host Richard Dawson which had recorded the night before. Then I finally decided to go and get my hair cut. This was the first hair cut I had in, oh, let’s say 8 months. My head feels a little lighter. Right after haircut, I came home washed my hair, I always itch after a haircut. It definitely looks better but I am still and old ugly person, so what does it matter? The person who gave me my haircut seemed like she was in a rush. She couldn’t take her time and get it right. It’s still longer than I like, but I was like, fuck it, it’s good enough and came home. While waiting to get my haircut, a old lady came in complaining that it was hot and she had to wear a mask. I looked at her and said, if nurses and doctors can do it for 8 or 18 hour shifts you can do it for a couple hours and to please shut up. She stopped talking.
I am so sick of people bitching about wearing a mask. Just fucking do it and shut up. People like that are so self-centered and hypocrites. I honestly can not stand. Stop wearing you mask, get COVID-19 and die. You won’t be missed by most of us.
I plan to gas up the car a little later and take a drive around time once it cools down some. I need to get out of the apartment even if it is only for a an hour or so to just drive around. Besides, I need to drive the car some. It doesn’t get driven very much.
I think I am an easy going person most of the time. What I can’t stand is people who lie to me, misuse my trust and friendship for their own personal gain. Recently I do think I got used a bit. It’s hard to explain and I really won’t go into details but suffice it to say, I wised up before it was too late. It really makes me think that I really can’t trust people. I will never fully trust anyone. Too much can go wrong when you do. I had to unfollow the person on Facebook, I didn’t unfriend them on Facebook. I’d prefer not to see what they post. Ugggg! I am so annoyed and pissed off. This person put me in a jam because I couldn’t trust them but it is okay. I will manage as I have already planned things out for the next few months. I think I will be okay, but I probably should have held off on buying something I honestly didn’t need. Mainly because I already had something great in it’s place. Truth be told, I like what I had bought. I am such a fool, idiot and countless many other adjectives. Like I have said before, sometimes I could just make all this pain and horror go away with the right amount of extra insulin. I hate when I let people make me feel like shit or bad.
Then there is this guy from work who, again, only contacts me when he wants to “hang out”. That means he wants to fool around. He never wants to hang out like normal people or friends. Yet, he will with other people. So, sometimes I string the jerk a long for a few hours and then just ghost him the rest of the day. I am probably in the wrong for that. He is just another example of someone who uses people. I am sure I am not the only one he does that too.
Well, I think that is all I have for now. I hope this blog finds your life and day better than mine. Sucks to be in the shallow end of the gene pool.
What an odd feeling today. I was working, like I always do from home and I had flashes of a few pictures I had with my dad. I don’t remember any of them. I don’t recall him ever being in my life. I vaguely recall him being in my life shortly after he got out of prison. (He went to prison for raping my my half-sister.) He has to be the “good” father to have visitation rights with me. He had to have other adults present to be around me. He never paid my Mom child support. He was a failure as a father. So, I missed out on having a decent father to have fond memories of. I had a step father who was complete ass but my Mom really loved him, so in the end I am the one that suffered. Should have off’d myself when I was younger. But here we are.
I wondered if he is even a live. I tried looking for him online and couldn’t find much info. Of course if he wanted to find me, I am very easy to find online. Since he has never made an attempt, I can safely assume he doesn’t care. It sucks to be alone in this world. I could die in this apartment tomorrow and no one would know I am missing or dead for several days. I am sure the smell would of a decomposing body would stir the shops downstairs. At least I do not have any pets that would try and eat me. LOL! Of course I do want another dachshund. That’s it for today. That’s all I have in me to type.
Let me start out by saying you really do not know how truly alone in this world you are until your birthday comes along and goes right by. No phones call from anyone. No text messages from anyone. I take that back, I did get two text messages from co-workers telling me Happy Birthday and that made me feel a little better. But still there is nothing like getting two hundred Facebook messages out of five thousand “friends”. They are literally people have never met and probably never will meet. A few out of that bunch were from co-workers of which I will never again see in person because we are no longer working in the building but from home. We might see each other one more time when we get the chance to get our personal belongings sometime in the near future.
Most of my weekend was spent just watching TV. I didn’t even want to be on the computers much. Even though I did put the new one through it’s paces a little bit playing a game. Both Saturday and Sunday I literally spent most of that time stuffing my fat ugly looking face and the other part of that time I just spent watching games shows, a couple movies and sleeping. Oh and Friday night / Saturday morning waiting on the damn power company to fix the power. Eight hours in one week is enough of not having power.
Another week is upon me. I am waiting on a package on Monday and working. Other than that, I am not doing a damn thing. It sucks to be alone in this world. I guess I will live — for now!
Tomorrow I will have my 45th birthday. Alone, single and few “friends”. Not to say I don’t have friends but very, very few close friends. I will celebrate tomorrow alone. Wait… I won’t celebrate. I will end up watching Buzzr TV all day and watching all the old game shows that I like.
It’s really not the same without my Mom. Hell, even if she were still here it would mean nothing. I see all these other people who’s friends do things for them on birthday on Facebook. Some people have fun parties or go out, or whatever. I’ll get happy birthday’s on my Facebook page. Woo hoo!! Me? Nothing. Some day a super dose of insulin would fix it all.
No matter what I have or buy. It only lasts for a moment then the sadness, depression all come flooding back. I have built two new computers since April one for gaming and one for my DVR but it mirrors the one I got in April, with just less RAM, a slightly different video card but everything else is basically the same. I only did it because I could not because of a need. Well, maybe a short term fix to depression.
I was going to sell a laptop I bought to a friend but then at the last moment I backed out of selling it. I just didn’t want to. I know he got pissed off at me and hasn’t talked to me since, but I guess that is okay. I just had misgiving about selling it. (He’ll probably never help me with computers again. I suppose that is okay too. Might have to learn to do things myself for what time I have left on this earth.) Hell, I just bought it and spent a ton on it. I was going to replace it with a gaming laptop but now that I am not currently going to sell it I am going to send it back when it arrives. It was too late to cancel the order. Even though I like the specs on the machine, I just don’t like the screen. I found a laptop I wanted for quite a bit more that has a 4k screen. (I am bad with money.) That is the machine I really wanted but won’t be able to get. I don’t even know why I want a laptop. I don’t go anywhere and now my place of employment is moving us all home for good. We have been working from home since mid March and now it will be for good.
I don’t know if working from home is good or bad for me. The only people I ever had contact with is people from work. I never have contact with anyone in person. It’s not like anyone is banging down my door to hang out with me. No one calls me but one person and that is not that often; but it’s okay I suppose, I understand. One “friend” from work, really isn’t a friend. He is more of user. The only time he texts me is if he is on my side of town and wants to fool around. I have said no since March. I am tempted. Wow, I wondered there for a second. Let me get back on track. No one on purpose reaches out to me, I am talking about work, we have a messaging system were we can chat back and forth and only one person messages me good morning. No one else messages. I suppose that is okay too. Not much I can do about it. I can’t force people to be friends or chat with me. I am one of those people that you either like me or hate me. Guess which one of those two are the winners. It starts with an H. Haha!
So in short, I will spend another day and weekend alone. I am surprised I have not turned to drinking (again), hook ups or drugs. All are tempting. However, I am extremely ugly, so the hooking up part is very limited and the fact I am in my 40’s is a death sentence in the gay world unless you are super hot or have tons of money. Neither of which I am. So, what is one to do. So, tomorrow I will wake up a little early, go get a pair of contacts from my eye doctor, get gas and maybe get my oil changed. Oh boy, what fun. I know, I know, I am a pathetic person, no need to rub it in. I guess that is all I have to say for now.
I so hate this life. So, so, so damn much. If you got this far thanks, if not, well thanks also. That’s all I have for now.
I Believe in Science