Some days I sit here and think about death and suicide and I sometimes feel a overwhelming sense of relief and that the pain and suffering would be gone. No more worries, no more stress, no more worrying I’ll never find a boyfriend/partner, no more money worries, no more work worries, no more debt, no more depression, no more anxiety, no more fear of people, no more fears of being judged by friends, coworkers. No more hidden judgement about what I buy, no more anyone talking behind my back, no more worrying about leases, loans and taxes, no more fear of driving, no worrying about how loud my music is, no worrying about people judging the music I listen to, no more worry I’m not in anyone’s league. Read my previous posts you’d understand why. I lost the genetics lottery. No looks or brains, just a nothing nobody! That’s all I am and will ever be is a nobody. I live in a Constant state of fear and worry. Etc, etc…. Nothing. It will all be finished. It will all be over. What a sweet release it will be! Now, it’s just a matter of getting up the nerve, wrapping up my affairs and downsizing to make the clean up after me to be minimal. I have no family or friends in Tampa to clean up my affairs. I’ll be buried in an unmarked grave, as no one would claim my ugly body!
Well, well, well….. You are back to read the mad ramblings of a lost soul. You must not have a life. Hell, I know no one reads this blog. Part of me is scared that people would actually read it. So, right now I am just listening to some old music from where I attended church back in the 90’s. The place is gone now because of their own faults and scandals. But enough of that. I did manage to go to Walmart today to get some food and some bathroom rugs. The others has seen their better days – so it was time to replace them. So, I did! They look good. They should last a few years. I went over my budget by about $9.00 and some odd change. If you want to send me money, please feel free to $Jackamus is my CashApp, I will always take money if it is given to me.
Well, the weekend is upon us. The last Saturday and Sunday in March. This month is nearly at an end. Nothing much has come of it. I didn’t go the movies as much as I normally do. Mainly because nothing is showing that I wanted to watch. Yesterday, I did manage to see Nobody, (Nobody (2021 Movie) | Get Tickets | In Theaters Friday) now that was a good movie! I also watched The Father, that also was a good movie. I really have nothing else planned for this weekend. A friend of mine is suppose to by my Xbox One S this weekend (Saturday) we shall see if she does. I am not selling it for much. Just selling it for $100. Then I plan to get rid of my Xbox One X. I do not play any games at all. I do not see paying for GamePass when I not even using it like that. In the past been pretty lucky to catch the game cards on promo to pay for the service other wise I would NOT be paying for it. I just do not play games like I used to. I play World of WarCraft but that is about it. Heck, I don’t even play it that often. I play it in spirts.
I’d tell you how down in the dumps I am but I think you can figure that out from the previous posts. At least today it’s not total blackness over taking me. Although it does come and go. I did get really sad last night, I was watching the finale of Superstore. I loved that show. It was a good show. I wish it could have kept going for a few more years. Also, going to be sad when the show Mom comes to an end next year. At least I think it is next year when that show will wrap up its run. Well, I don’t know what else to type. I am kind of out of things to say. Not sure why I say them or write them, NO ONE LISTENS. I speak into the darkness of the universe. My words fall on deaf ears. Oh well…… Death eludes me.
Type at you later,
Not a footnote in history.
I miss you, I love you. If there is a afterlife, I hope I get to see you again. I hate being without you. Also, I am sorry for being a bad son sometimes. I love you!!
I’ll probably never share the true depth of the pain and depression I suffer from. Not even my own psychologist understands. I’ve started the search for a psychiatrist but some seem so off putting and too difficult to deal with. It’s not even worth the effort anymore. I’m truly exhausted and tired from the daily struggle of life. Some of it is my own doing, some of it is the mental abuse inflicted on my by others (Doug, Floyd, Howard, Karl). Some of it is the mental abuse that one suffers from when one is not a “premium gay”. One day (sooner or later) I’ll write my final blog post, my final Twitter tweet, final Instagram post or final Facebook post! Maybe I’ll post the final letter that explains it. I know that I won’t be missed. People will move on quickly, some might be sad for a fleeting moment but it will pass. I’ve never recovered from the pain of losing my mom and having a shifty family. I’ve made no impact on this world. I’ll not even be a footnote in history. No one will claim my body, I’ll be buried in an unmarked grave. My existence will be as if I never happened. I speak nothing but the truth. I’m exhausted as I stated at the beginning. Every time I get ahead something knocks me back! I wonder what it’s like to live life without worries. I wish I could experience one day, week, month or a year without stress, anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, money worries, work worries, people worries. Maybe have a nice car, a nice apartment or house. Some place I am free from all the mental torture that I deal with daily. I’d love to have a relationship with a nice, smart, kind and handsome guy. But… back to reality it will never happen. The reality of the situation is I’m a damaged and broken person. I’m broken beyond repair. I’m an unredeemable person. I’ve made too many mistakes and mental illness has just nearly destroyed me! I don’t have much life left in me.
Thanks for reading…. whoever you are….
I miss just sharing the boring details of my daily life and what I did for the day. I really miss that and her.