The depth of my pain

By | March 6, 2021

I’ll probably never share the true depth of the pain and depression I suffer from. Not even my own psychologist understands. I’ve started the search for a psychiatrist but some seem so off putting and too difficult to deal with. It’s not even worth the effort anymore. I’m truly exhausted and tired from the daily struggle of life. Some of it is my own doing, some of it is the mental abuse inflicted on my by others (Doug, Floyd, Howard, Karl). Some of it is the mental abuse that one suffers from when one is not a “premium gay”. One day (sooner or later) I’ll write my final blog post, my final Twitter tweet, final Instagram post or final Facebook post! Maybe I’ll post the final letter that explains it. I know that I won’t be missed. People will move on quickly, some might be sad for a fleeting moment but it will pass. I’ve never recovered from the pain of losing my mom and having a shifty family. I’ve made no impact on this world. I’ll not even be a footnote in history. No one will claim my body, I’ll be buried in an unmarked grave. My existence will be as if I never happened. I speak nothing but the truth. I’m exhausted as I stated at the beginning. Every time I get ahead something knocks me back! I wonder what it’s like to live life without worries. I wish I could experience one day, week, month or a year without stress, anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, money worries, work worries, people worries. Maybe have a nice car, a nice apartment or house. Some place I am free from all the mental torture that I deal with daily. I’d love to have a relationship with a nice, smart, kind and handsome guy. But… back to reality it will never happen. The reality of the situation is I’m a damaged and broken person. I’m broken beyond repair. I’m an unredeemable person. I’ve made too many mistakes and mental illness has just nearly destroyed me! I don’t have much life left in me.

Thanks for reading…. whoever you are….

I Can’t Do This Much More

By | February 1, 2021

I don’t ask for much. I just wish people would be more open and listen and understanding. I am depressed beyond belief. I really can’t do this much longer. At least that is how I feel right now. That might change later. I wonder when this site will fuck up. This is a minor outlet. But NO one reads and NO ONE cares. I miss my Mom. I am lonely, miserable. I wish I could afford a drug habit. I wish I was drinking tonight but I am not. I might start. But, I have a DR’s appt tomorrow. I should really tell him all this but I never do. I am just so damn miserable. Nothing makes me happy. I have money issues, mental issues. All kinds of issues. It is raining right now. I really just want to go stand out in the rain. But that would probably make me a crazy person. HELL, just real this blog. Really the only time I blog is when I am really upset, depressed or something like that. I probably need to get medicated. No one understands and no one wants to understand. They have their own life. I have mine. brb… need something to drink. Not booze. Not yet. ok, I am back. Got some soda. I need to lose weight and try and eat better. But I am to paranoid to go to the gym. My fat ugly ass is out of place. People stare at you and make comments in their heads about you. Well, the rain we had is almost over. I did lose power for a brief moment and it freaked me out. Sometimes when the power goes out I am the only one to report it and then its a few hours to get power back on. I wish everything was different. I lack the skills growing up to manage things. I am listening to Deal or No Deal in the background. I got shit on when it comes to genetics and smarts. I don’t get the cards I was dealt. I am not a bad person. But I am just the trash that no one wants. I mean NO ONE talks to me. No one wants to be with me. People judge me. Specially when I was going to middle school and high school those years fucked me up in the head. People I went to school with were cruel. I couldn’t even get dressed in the locker room. I was either late or I went to a room to change. People made fun of me and I could not handle that. I didn’t have the skills and now I hate being in public. I hate it. I hate being around lots of people. I don’t even go to clubs/bars any more. Post or pre covid. Cute guy won 70K on deal or no deal. I have luck. I have bad luck. I want to move but I can’t afford anything else. Plus I don’t have the credit to get a nice place. Even though I am never late on rent. I always pay ahead of time. If you made it this far you are just reading the ramblings I a depressed sick person. I started clearing out the junk that I have had for years that I never use. Did three bags. Will do more soon.