Life Doesn’t Hold the Same Meaning

Tomorrow I will have my 45th birthday. Alone, single and few “friends”. Not to say I don’t have friends but very, very few close friends. I will celebrate tomorrow alone. Wait… I won’t celebrate. I will end up watching Buzzr TV all day and watching all the old game shows that I like.

It’s really not the same without my Mom. Hell, even if she were still here it would mean nothing. I see all these other people who’s friends do things for them on birthday on Facebook. Some people have fun parties or go out, or whatever. I’ll get happy birthday’s on my Facebook page. Woo hoo!! Me? Nothing. Some day a super dose of insulin would fix it all.

No matter what I have or buy. It only lasts for a moment then the sadness, depression all come flooding back. I have built two new computers since April one for gaming and one for my DVR but it mirrors the one I got in April, with just less RAM, a slightly different video card but everything else is basically the same. I only did it because I could not because of a need. Well, maybe a short term fix to depression.

I was going to sell a laptop I bought to a friend but then at the last moment I backed out of selling it. I just didn’t want to. I know he got pissed off at me and hasn’t talked to me since, but I guess that is okay. I just had misgiving about selling it. (He’ll probably never help me with computers again. I suppose that is okay too. Might have to learn to do things myself for what time I have left on this earth.) Hell, I just bought it and spent a ton on it. I was going to replace it with a gaming laptop but now that I am not currently going to sell it I am going to send it back when it arrives. It was too late to cancel the order. Even though I like the specs on the machine, I just don’t like the screen. I found a laptop I wanted for quite a bit more that has a 4k screen. (I am bad with money.) That is the machine I really wanted but won’t be able to get. I don’t even know why I want a laptop. I don’t go anywhere and now my place of employment is moving us all home for good. We have been working from home since mid March and now it will be for good.

I don’t know if working from home is good or bad for me. The only people I ever had contact with is people from work. I never have contact with anyone in person. It’s not like anyone is banging down my door to hang out with me. No one calls me but one person and that is not that often; but it’s okay I suppose, I understand. One “friend” from work, really isn’t a friend. He is more of user. The only time he texts me is if he is on my side of town and wants to fool around. I have said no since March. I am tempted. Wow, I wondered there for a second. Let me get back on track. No one on purpose reaches out to me, I am talking about work, we have a messaging system were we can chat back and forth and only one person messages me good morning. No one else messages. I suppose that is okay too. Not much I can do about it. I can’t force people to be friends or chat with me. I am one of those people that you either like me or hate me. Guess which one of those two are the winners. It starts with an H. Haha!

So in short, I will spend another day and weekend alone. I am surprised I have not turned to drinking (again), hook ups or drugs. All are tempting. However, I am extremely ugly, so the hooking up part is very limited and the fact I am in my 40’s is a death sentence in the gay world unless you are super hot or have tons of money. Neither of which I am. So, what is one to do. So, tomorrow I will wake up a little early, go get a pair of contacts from my eye doctor, get gas and maybe get my oil changed. Oh boy, what fun. I know, I know, I am a pathetic person, no need to rub it in. I guess that is all I have to say for now.

I so hate this life. So, so, so damn much. If you got this far thanks, if not, well thanks also. That’s all I have for now.


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