Today felt like a good day. I got a few things accomplished. I had a small “laundry” list of things I wanted to do and get accomplished. One thing that got completed was as interview to move me into a permanent position in a role I am now only doing on a temporary basis.
- Interview done. I felt good about it.
- Called the election office and got a new ballot mailed to me
- Filled out my FML paperwork and got a copy of it sent to me, so I can take it to the Dr.
Those seem like little things but it was a lot to do and get completed. So, today felt good compared to most other days. Tomorrow I have a doctor’s appointment to get my FML paperwork filled out. Then I will need to get it turned back in.
The interview went well, I felt. I did my best to answer all the questions they had. Won’t know for a while if I get the role or not but I am sure hoping that I do. This position has been a godsend. So, if anyone actually reads this blog – please wish me luck. I wish I smart and a writer.
On a more of sad note, I think I have settled for the fact that I will never be 100% happy. I will probably be 85% depressed and 15% happy. Also, I’ll never have the body I want or the man or guy that I want. I will just live in a fantasy world were I can dream big but have nothing. Some people take what they have for granted while people like me suffer, sometimes in silence because NO ONE will listen to them (me). I’ll never have the talent I wanted. I think in my life there have been three different kinds of jobs I have always wanted but never had the talent for them. I always wanted to be a church Worship Leader, a church pastor and finally a gameshow host. None of this will ever happen. I am 45, Gay, Fat and undesirable. These really are my true feelings. Is 45 too late to start another life?? Is it to late to begin again? I don’t know how to reinvent myself. I wish there was a way before it is too late. Maybe 45 is too late. Maybe now I just go through the motions of life until it takes me. Then it will lights out, curtains, eternal darkness. Wow, what a depressing thought. What have I done all these years? Just a bunch of wasted time. Wasted on the wrong things. The wrong friends, the wrong boyfriends, the wrong one night stands, the wrong drugs, the wrong liquor. I think if I was going to turn things around or be able to turn things around that would have had to be done in my late 30’s and early 40’s but now? I don’t get it? What did I do wrong? Maybe it was my upbringing. I didn’t come from a rich family or a smart family. I was born and raised in Polk County, Fl. That’s mostly a white trash. That is effectively what you could call 98% of my family. Maybe that is why I am attracted to southern “trashy” kind of guys. Granted never had that chance to really date one, maybe fool around some but that is it. The guys I have mainly dated have been losers, abusers either mentally or physically or liars. Been cheated on a few times thus I have serious issues with trust. Not to mention one guy who was a mind fuck for several years, who prayed upon my mental illness and loneliness. To this day I still have every email and chat saved. The pain is deep, the pain is real. Sadly no one really understands or wants to understand.
With that I think my mind has gone blank, not sure what else I can think of at the moment. Perhaps this is long enough. I think it is time to bring this entry to an end. Tomorrow, I am off to the Dr’s. If you read this far thank you and if you ready it thank you. I keep reaching out…… But no one is grabbing my hand. Perhaps it is time to stop reaching out.
Stay Safe and Take Care,
Jack
