The depth of my pain

I’ll probably never share the true depth of the pain and depression I suffer from. Not even my own psychologist understands. I’ve started the search for a psychiatrist but some seem so off putting and too difficult to deal with. It’s not even worth the effort anymore. I’m truly exhausted and tired from the daily struggle of life. Some of it is my own doing, some of it is the mental abuse inflicted on my by others (Doug, Floyd, Howard, Karl). Some of it is the mental abuse that one suffers from when one is not a “premium gay”. One day (sooner or later) I’ll write my final blog post, my final Twitter tweet, final Instagram post or final Facebook post! Maybe I’ll post the final letter that explains it. I know that I won’t be missed. People will move on quickly, some might be sad for a fleeting moment but it will pass. I’ve never recovered from the pain of losing my mom and having a shifty family. I’ve made no impact on this world. I’ll not even be a footnote in history. No one will claim my body, I’ll be buried in an unmarked grave. My existence will be as if I never happened. I speak nothing but the truth. I’m exhausted as I stated at the beginning. Every time I get ahead something knocks me back! I wonder what it’s like to live life without worries. I wish I could experience one day, week, month or a year without stress, anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, money worries, work worries, people worries. Maybe have a nice car, a nice apartment or house. Some place I am free from all the mental torture that I deal with daily. I’d love to have a relationship with a nice, smart, kind and handsome guy. But… back to reality it will never happen. The reality of the situation is I’m a damaged and broken person. I’m broken beyond repair. I’m an unredeemable person. I’ve made too many mistakes and mental illness has just nearly destroyed me! I don’t have much life left in me.

Thanks for reading…. whoever you are….


No comments yet. Why don’t you start the discussion?

Leave a Reply