I miss you mom! I love you with all my heart! I feel dead and empty without you. My true best friend and only person who never judged me but loved me unconditionally! Maybe one day soon I’ll see you again in heaven if that is even a place!
Well, I have not had a lot today or on my mind lately. I feel like I am in a good place mentally. At least for the time being. That will change in time. I have my UPS and my DOWNS. It comes with being bipolar I suppose. One day when I can find a good doctor to treat it, maybe I will seek treatment again but for now I will have to manage it without help. The doctors are too expensive and want to nickel and dime you for anything you might need.
Some good news I got my A1C down to 5.7. Hopefully, I can keep it that way. We shall see. I will tell you this though, I am tired of taking insulin everyday, Ozempic once a week, Jardiance and Lyrica. Fun times. Not to mention all that crap gets expensive after a while.
Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. It’s another year without my Mom. Time does not heal all wounds. Specially when you can’t even talk to your friends about it because they are tired of hearing about. Or.. well I won’t say the or, because I am kind of annoyed about something. I’ll let it go for now.
Now, I just need to start playing the lotto. I hate being poor. It sucks! But hey, what can one do. Not much. Well that is it for now, Not much else to really talk about. Not that anyone would really listen. Have a wonderful May! Except a few certain people who can go fuck themselves. You know who you are!
Some days I sit here and think about death and suicide and I sometimes feel a overwhelming sense of relief and that the pain and suffering would be gone. No more worries, no more stress, no more worrying I’ll never find a boyfriend/partner, no more money worries, no more work worries, no more debt, no more depression, no more anxiety, no more fear of people, no more fears of being judged by friends, coworkers. No more hidden judgement about what I buy, no more anyone talking behind my back, no more worrying about leases, loans and taxes, no more fear of driving, no worrying about how loud my music is, no worrying about people judging the music I listen to, no more worry I’m not in anyone’s league. Read my previous posts you’d understand why. I lost the genetics lottery. No looks or brains, just a nothing nobody! That’s all I am and will ever be is a nobody. I live in a Constant state of fear and worry. Etc, etc…. Nothing. It will all be finished. It will all be over. What a sweet release it will be! Now, it’s just a matter of getting up the nerve, wrapping up my affairs and downsizing to make the clean up after me to be minimal. I have no family or friends in Tampa to clean up my affairs. I’ll be buried in an unmarked grave, as no one would claim my ugly body!
Well, well, well….. You are back to read the mad ramblings of a lost soul. You must not have a life. Hell, I know no one reads this blog. Part of me is scared that people would actually read it. So, right now I am just listening to some old music from where I attended church back in the 90’s. The place is gone now because of their own faults and scandals. But enough of that. I did manage to go to Walmart today to get some food and some bathroom rugs. The others has seen their better days – so it was time to replace them. So, I did! They look good. They should last a few years. I went over my budget by about $9.00 and some odd change. If you want to send me money, please feel free to $Jackamus is my CashApp, I will always take money if it is given to me.
Well, the weekend is upon us. The last Saturday and Sunday in March. This month is nearly at an end. Nothing much has come of it. I didn’t go the movies as much as I normally do. Mainly because nothing is showing that I wanted to watch. Yesterday, I did manage to see Nobody, (Nobody (2021 Movie) | Get Tickets | In Theaters Friday) now that was a good movie! I also watched The Father, that also was a good movie. I really have nothing else planned for this weekend. A friend of mine is suppose to by my Xbox One S this weekend (Saturday) we shall see if she does. I am not selling it for much. Just selling it for $100. Then I plan to get rid of my Xbox One X. I do not play any games at all. I do not see paying for GamePass when I not even using it like that. In the past been pretty lucky to catch the game cards on promo to pay for the service other wise I would NOT be paying for it. I just do not play games like I used to. I play World of WarCraft but that is about it. Heck, I don’t even play it that often. I play it in spirts.
I’d tell you how down in the dumps I am but I think you can figure that out from the previous posts. At least today it’s not total blackness over taking me. Although it does come and go. I did get really sad last night, I was watching the finale of Superstore. I loved that show. It was a good show. I wish it could have kept going for a few more years. Also, going to be sad when the show Mom comes to an end next year. At least I think it is next year when that show will wrap up its run. Well, I don’t know what else to type. I am kind of out of things to say. Not sure why I say them or write them, NO ONE LISTENS. I speak into the darkness of the universe. My words fall on deaf ears. Oh well…… Death eludes me.
Type at you later,
Not a footnote in history.
I miss you, I love you. If there is a afterlife, I hope I get to see you again. I hate being without you. Also, I am sorry for being a bad son sometimes. I love you!!