As always, I don’t have a lot today. Or anything that is really worth reading. I am just obsessing over the same things I do. I know that the future is scaring me. I am not prepared to get old. I have no one to help or care for me, if something major happens. I have also been obsessing about my rent and hoping my landlord will renew my lease. I men she has since 2008, I don’t see why she wouldn’t unless she goes for a huge increase in rent. (Money grab.) Then I am fucked. I won’t know what to do. I’d have to find another apartment but how the hell am I going to find anything within my limited budget and less than stellar credit. It’s getting to the point I might have to default on most things and file bankruptcy’s and say to fuck with it. I have literally no money left most months after I buy food and pay for my medications. Meds can come close to $150 a month when certain meds have to be filled. Ozempic, Jardiance are not cheap meds even with coupons. Then the sensors I use to make sure I am not going to die run nearly 40.00 a month for two. The other night I sat on the couching watching TV, mainly ignoring what was on. I just had background noise on. All I could think about is what it will all come to an end and what steps I need to take to make sure it is an easy process to end all my misery. Then after that, I just decided it was time to go to bed. What I do, is I go to the bed, lay down, set up the iPad and watch shows I have recorded off all the different true crime channels and at some point, I will fall asleep. Granted some nights are easier to fall asleep than others.
So, there it is. There are my thoughts since the last time I have posted. See, nothing has really changed. Seems it like the same things going on, just a different day. New days brings new mistake and new challenges. I try my best I do, but I am at the point where each new day is overwhelming me. I leave my apartment less and less. My only entertainment is all the TV shows I records and my ever-increasing music collection. I now have over 800 albums in my iTunes library. 809 albums, 34.6 days of music. I could go over a month without listening to the same albums. However, I tend to stick to the nearly the same ones over and over. They bring me comfort for a short while as I can get lost in the worship and for a moment just forget about all the crap that is going wrong and all my worries, they are literally eating me alive.
Well, it is not after 12PM, it is time for me to find what I want for lunch. I just picked up groceries from Walmart and had Amazon Fresh deliver, so I am stocked up for a couple weeks. I even obsess over having food, because as a child there was a few times my family was homeless and without food. But that is another story. I like to pretend in another universe my life is easy, and I am doing everything that I always wanted to do.
If you read this far, thank you. If not, well then you don’t get my thank you. Until next time, if there is a next time. Peace and chicken grease.
~~~Jack~~~
I thought about you today, just now. IDK why, but I thought about Carpenter’s Home, so of course I thought of you.
I know you’re miserable, but (selfish creature that I am) I hope you don’t kill yourself anytime soon. It would be nice to reconnect and spend some time commiserating about how shitty life is. Hell, it would be nice to bring you over here and show you around Jerusalem and Nazareth.
I got friendzoned by an Israeli a couple of weeks ago. I’m still drowning in depression over that. (Every time I think there might be a relationship to be had, fuck me!)